Here we go again…

I feel a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach, after some of the conversations that I have had over the past couple weeks.

I have been confronted a few times from my family and others, about my appearance, and concern with my health. As much as I know they care, and have good intentions with these “talks” sometimes I feel that more harm than good is done for me emotionally. Don’t get me wrong, I see and understand the concerns… but I don’t think it is always realized the impact that these words and confrontations can have on me.

I am an emotional person. I dwell on things, and let them linger and really bother me. Writing is a nice outlet for me, but it still does not resolve the fact that my feelings were hurt and I cant seem to let it go. What makes it difficult, is when I can be having a perfectly happy day, and one little comment of conversation puts a HUGE damper on everything. I can’t pretend to brush it off and smile all the time.

It is time for me to be honest with myself.

In 2012, I sought treatment for my struggles after I hit “rock bottom”. This time around, I refuse to let myself get there. Yes, I have been through a lot of life changes over the past several months, but that does not give me good reason to stop taking care of myself.

I have so much to be thankful for…. I have a new home, an amazing boyfriend (who I see a beautiful future with), a loving family, wonderful friends, strong faith, etc. etc. I feel like these blessings have been hindered by some of the hardships that I have been facing.

I am happy with my life. Yes, I may have slipped, but things have settled down and I have been making a conscious effort to enjoy each and every day.

CURRENT SITUATION:
In all honesty, I do not have the same thoughts and struggles towards food that I have had in the past. Yes, I maintain a healthy diet, but I am not afraid to splurge and treat myself once in awhile when the opportunity presents itself. I still have some hesitation when it comes to random snacking (which is crazy, because everyone should allow themselves the opportunity to enjoy a good snack).

I think now, the main thing that I worry about is exercise. I feel like I need to do something physical every day, and when I don’t exercise, I get somewhat anxious. I have been trying to spend less time going to the gym to lift weights, and more time enjoying yoga (Not go on off topic, but yoga has helped me so much throughout all of this…more on that topic later), walking my puppies to the park, or just enjoying a different hobby. What I want, is to find a healthy balance in my life. I would love to focus my time on yoga and meditation, and finding harmony between my mind and body.

Admitting a weakness is hard for me. But seeing the people I love and care about worry (about me), is even harder. I don’t like feeling vulnerable to this. Every single thing in my life is so wonderful, and it sickens me that I still have to think about this at times. I swore to myself a year ago that I would never go back to the place where I was in my past… I am not there, but I need to really work on keeping myself away (FAR AWAY) from there too.

I am going to reach out to find someone to talk to, outside of my family, friends and social circle. Having a neutral “third party” to vent/talk to has helped me in the past, and I have no doubt that it will help me again.

Let the journey to health and happiness continue…

You are where you are or ever will be is up to you. You are where you are today because that is where you have chosen to be. You are always free to choose your actions, or inactions, and your life today is the sum total of your choices, good and bad. If you want your future to be different, you have to make better choices.
—Brian Tracy

 

Living in the Present Moment

I LOVE yoga. I love the beauty of the practice, I love the serenity in the meditation, I just love everything about it! Anyone who practices, knows that there are a couple of things that are highly emphasized…

1. The Breath
2. Being present in the moment

There is something to be said about the feeling of “being truly present in the moment”. In today’s world, people always seem to be preoccupied with “WHAT’S NEXT?!” in their lives. Whether it be projects at work, things going on at home, never ending to-do lists, etc. people easily lose sight of what is happening at the current moment in order to be more focused on what’s to come… I am [VERY] guilty of this too.

I often find myself thinking about the future (future meaning any time beyond right now, haha). If I am getting ready for work, I am thinking about my evening plans. If I am relaxing at home at night, I am thinking about the weekend. I think about the summer during the winter months, I think about my life in 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 years from now… you get the point.

What I am beginning to wonder is WHY? What is the rush to get to “WHAT’S NEXT” in life?
Call it goofy, corny, cliché, whatever… but I am starting to realize that being more focused, and present in the moment may really change my outlook on things. Life is so short, and all of this time spent thinking about what is going to happen in the future is time wasted on what is happening right NOW.

I am blessed in so many ways, and I hate to admit it, but I think these everyday blessings are often overlooked because I am too focused on what is going to happen next. Although my daily tasks might not be all that exciting, I need to start looking at the simple pleasures that come along with my routine and enjoying each and every day for what it is.

I am thankful for…

  • Finding my true faith and having a wholesome relationship with God
  • Being blessed to have Joe in my life to love
  • Rescuing two healthy, happy puppies and knowing that we are giving them a great life
  • My wonderful, loving family and great friends
  • My career with PTI
  • My healthy body, that allows me to enjoy life and can help me accomplish any goals/dreams
  • Owning my own house
  • Etc….

Taking a moment to sit back and realize how much I have to be thankful for, makes me realize that there is no rush to get into the “next best thing”.  Whether it be enjoying a walk with my puppies, my commute to work, my “homemade” dinners with Joe, visiting with my loved ones, etc. I am going to make a conscious effort to take each day and look at the beauty in whatever it is that I am doing.
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(Please note, I understand that it is important to plan and think about the future. I am simply suggesting that it is equally important to look at the life you are currently living, and enjoying it to its full potential. You don’t want to miss the great things going on around you right now!)

New Found Freedom – Challenges & Changes

This winter has been tough. The weather has been unbearable and the changes in my life have brought on a lot of stress… Good stress. I have yet to write about it, but in the past few months I have bought a house, moved in with my boyfriend, adopted two puppies, leased a new car (ok, so the car factor isn’t much to stress about) and endured multiple “polar vortexes”.

Without going into details about what a pain in the ASS the house buying process is, I will say that I am a homeowner! I put an offer in on a house back in October, went through the closing process throughout October and November, and was officially a homeowner as of November 22, 2013. The initial plan was for the original owners, now my tenants, to have 90 days occupancy of the house prior to me moving in (around February 7, 2014 was when I’d take possession). I was ok with this because it gave me time to get some things purchased for my new home, and still be able to spend the holidays with my family at their house.

Anybody who knows me well enough knows that I am a person who likes to not only have a plan, but also likes to stick to that plan! It was bittersweet for me when the sellers called me less than 12 hours after closing on the house, to tell me that I could have possession of it in less than 2 weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I was very excited to own my first home, and start in the next new exciting phase of my life. But another part of me was terrified to leave the place that I have called home for 23 years, to start this new adventure.

Joe and I officially moved in on December 14, 2013… Naturally, this would be the day that the first BIG snow storm would hit Michigan (I swear I haven’t seen the grass in my yard since we moved in).

It’s March, and things are now really starting to feel like home. It took me a couple months to get used to being on my own, with Joe, and taking on all sorts of new responsibilities. I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t (emotionally) difficult for me at first. I missed my family, I missed Riley and I was somewhat overwhelmed with the idea of stepping away from my “norms” and creating new routines.

Throughout the past couple months, Joe has really been there for me. He has moved several different times over the course of the past few years, so it didn’t wear on him as much as it did for me. The one mutual thing that was new and different for both of us, was living with our “significant other”. We went from seeing each other several times a week, to always being with one another. I can honestly say that I am really enjoying living with him. We both understand and respect each other’s time, yet still love hanging out when we are home.

Back in January, we adopted two Black Lab Mix puppies from a rescue organization called “Home Fur-Ever”. We named them, Dack and Dexter (they’re brothers). They are about 4 1/2 months now, and truly are great dogs. Joe and I have been working very hard to maintain a strict training plan with them, and I can honestly say it is going very well. They boys were potty trained very quickly, and know their boundaries within the house. Obviously, there is an occasional accident, but that comes with the nature of puppies… they are still babies!

Dexter & Dack

We love our pups, and knew what kind of responsibility and time commitment they were going to be. I would be lying if I did not get stressed out on occasion, but the joy that they bring to our lives is well worth it. We just can’t wait for this damn cold weather to go away, so we can enjoy the outdoors with them…

Which brings me to my next topic… weather. I’m sorry, but FUCK this winter. If anyone is reading this, and is from Michigan or any part of the Midwest/Eastern part of the country, you know that this winter has been the worst in years. The unbearable cold, obnoxious amounts of snow, etc. etc. have put a lot of people into a state of depression. I usually do not hate the winter, but I am not too proud to admit that I have a severe case of the winter blues. I am going to just vent for a second, but I honestly do not remember a winter where I have been more sad, angry and just pissed off about the weather. It is amazing how this awful weather plays into my overall attitude about everything. I have been doing my best to stay busy and positive, but it is hard when it is flat-out miserable to be outdoors. I know I should be positive and happy… I have a new house and new puppies, and a lot of other great things going on… but jeeze, give me some sunshine and a straight week above 40 degrees… ok… that’s enough bitching about the weather!
MichiganSnowThis post kind of goes against my traditional “inspirational” update… but it’s been awhile since I have written about anything going on my life! This was kind of a way to catch up on the past few months… more to come soon 🙂

Stay warm!

20 Ways to LOVE Your Body!

Happy 2014! A new year brings new experiences and new opportunities. Regardless of your past, and what you may have been through, allow yourself the chance to make some changes in your life.

I found this list “TWENTY WAYS TO LOVE YOUR BODY”, and thought that it was a great reminder of how important it is to take care of yourself… both physically and emotionally. I highly recommend going through these twenty points, and asking yourself what you are going to do to be the healthiest, happiest person that you can be!

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Twenty Ways To Love Your Body

  1. Think of your body as the vehicle to your dreams.  Honor it.  Respect it.  Fuel it.
  2. Create a list of all the things your body lets you do.  Read it and add to it often.
  3. Become aware of what your body can do each day.  Remember it is the instrument of your life, not just an ornament.
  4. Create a list of people you admire:  people who have contributed to your life, your community, or the world.  Consider whether their appearance was important to their success and accomplishments.
  5. Walk with your head held high, supported by pride and confidence in yourself as a person.
  6. Don’t let your weight or shape keep you from activities that you enjoy.
  7. Wear comfortable clothes that you like, that express your personal style, and that feel good to your body.
  8. Count your blessings, not your blemishes.
  9. Think about all the things you could accomplish with the time and energy you currently spend worrying about your body and appearance.  Try one!
  10. Be your body’s friend and supporter, not its enemy.
  11. Consider this:  your skin replaces itself once a month, your stomach lining every five days, your liver every six weeks, and your skeleton every three months.  Your body is extraordinary—begin to respect and appreciate it.
  12. Every morning when you wake up, thank your body for resting and rejuvenating itself so you can enjoy the day.
  13. Every evening when you go to bed, tell your body how much you appreciate what it has allowed you to do throughout the day.
  14. Find a method of exercise that you enjoy and do it regularly. Don’t exercise to lose weight or to fight your body. Do it to make your body healthy and strong and because it makes you feel good.  Exercise for the Three F’s: Fun, Fitness, and Friendship.
  15. Think back to a time in your life when you felt good about your body.  Loving your body means you get to feel like that again, even in this body, at this age.
  16. Keep a list of 10 positive things about yourself—without mentioning your appearance.  Add to it daily!
  17. Put a sign on each of your mirrors saying, “I’m beautiful inside and out.”
  18. Search for the beauty in the world and in yourself.
  19. Consider that, “Life is too short to waste my time hating my body this way.”
  20. Eat when you are hungry.  Rest when you are tired.  Surround yourself with people that remind you of your inner strength and beauty.

Compiled By: Margo Maine, PhD
Source: NEDA Website

Focus, Focus, Refocus!

Let me just start by saying that the past several months have been crazy! Crazy busy, crazy fun and at times, crazy stressful (I can provide details in a different post)!

As exciting as the craziness of life can be, it also can cause some anxiety. When things are going at such a fast pace, and you put so much energy towards one thing, it is easy to lose focus on other important priorities…

I have found that distractions are an “easy in” for ED to try to creep back into your life. I would be lying if I said that there were a few times over the past couple weeks when I sensed ED trying to make an appearance in my life. I sensed an  attempt to get back to dictating my thoughts and controlling my actions.

It has been over a year and a half since I sought help for struggles. Prior to my recovery, I would have given in to the temptation to listen to the negative influences. I would have “thrown in the towel” and let ED take control. However today, that is no longer an option.

I wrote this journal entry last year, and have yet to post it on my blog. However I feel that it is appropriate for this topic:

Denial and Sickness: Uninvited Guest

One of the most difficult things to do when dealing with a struggle or hardship to admit that there is something wrong. So often, the distorted voice is convincing you that you are ok, that things are supposed to be the way they are… miserable, lonely, unhealthy, etc.

It does not matter how family, friends and other loved ones see you. You see yourself the way the sickness wants you to be seen, and there is nothing that anyone can do for you. Until you are ready to change.

I was sick for about five and half years. Numerous times over the course of my sickness, people would express concern. The thing that is difficult to comprehend, is why it is so hard to understand  their concerns? I was so used to listening to the unhealthy influence, that the opinions of the truly important people in my life did not matter. I was ok with the life I was living.

People know me as  smart, hard-working, honest, faithful, etc. I never lost those qualities throughout my struggles, however I also carried a few additional labels: skinny, isolated, sad.

Eating disorders can quickly brainwash you. I gave in to the temptation to let ED in, and accepted the additional labels that were associated with it. I have always been a very responsible and independent person- often said to be “mature beyond my years”. I have never been one to give in to peer pressure. I have strong values taught to me by my family. I respect those value and lived by them every day. Because I was not a follower, I still to this day cannot explain why I let ED in. Why would I let such a negative influence into my life? I didn’t just let ED in, it let IT control my life, for years.

Those are questions I ask myself quite often. I have a good head on my shoulders, and use sound judgment when making decisions. That’s the thing though, I didn’t know who I was really letting in.

One of the most important things I have learned over the course of my recovery journey… is to never be too proud or too afraid to ask for help. Tuesday I admitted to myself and my support team that I may have been a bit too “distracted” over the past couple months, unintentionally of course, and may have gone off course a little bit.

Being able to admit that I had a little “slip” is the first step. I have all of the resources I need to refocused and get back on track… I just need to sit back, analyze my situation and get back to work.

I am at such an exciting point in my life right now, the last thing I need is ED raining on my good times.

Let’s get to work!

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P.S. I would like to clarify that my slip was VERY minor. It was more of a wakeup call to not disregard what I have been working so hard to obtain throughout recovery.

Yoga and Recovery.

“There are a lot of positives that come out of recovery. Once you reconnect with your body and your own thoughts, everything around you begins to feel right again.”

I have mentioned the significance of my amazing support team, throughout the ups and downs of my recovery. It goes without saying, that I would not be where I am today if it weren’t for them and their patience. As valuable as my team was to me, I strongly believe that my journey back to health was also strongly impacted by something in addition to them…

Initially, during weight restoration, I was very limited in regards to the amount of physical activity I was allowed to do –Which was very frustrating considering the fact that I am an active person who loves fitness and being on the go. *Disclaimer: one thing I did not give up was my morning walks with Riley. Those walks were therapeutic for me, and good for her!

About three months into a positive weight gaining trend, my dietitian and I began discussing ways to incorporate healthy activity back in to my life. As much as I would have loved to go for runs, or hit the gym a few times a week, it was important to start gradually, and then incorporate more activity as I continued to progress in my recovery. We both agreed that yoga would be a good place to start.

yogaStudies show that meditation and deep breathing (relaxation) can reduce stress and enhance wellness in people’s lives.

I quickly fell in love with the practice. Not only did it relax my chaotic thoughts, it also introduced a sense of awareness between my mind and my body. It gave me the opportunity to focus on my breathing and concentrate on the slow, structured movements of my body. Being present in the moment gave keen awareness to how I felt right then and there. Every time I would get on to the mat, I made sure that the time was dedicated to me, and only me.

Finding a [new] passion for practicing yoga introduced me to the importance of a strong mind/body relationship. It taught me the value of patience and persistence, and how most discomfort is temporary, if you do not give up.  After several months of practice, I noticed increased strength in my muscles and overall stamina. I also noticed that the poses I initially struggled with became easier.

Yoga has become part of my life. I continue to practice regularly, by attending classes and practicing at home. I plan to continue learning more about the practice, in hopes of some day being able to teach my own classes. I have found Yoga to be one of the best things I can do for my mind, my body and my overall well-being.

Namaste.