Here we go again…

I feel a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach, after some of the conversations that I have had over the past couple weeks.

I have been confronted a few times from my family and others, about my appearance, and concern with my health. As much as I know they care, and have good intentions with these “talks” sometimes I feel that more harm than good is done for me emotionally. Don’t get me wrong, I see and understand the concerns… but I don’t think it is always realized the impact that these words and confrontations can have on me.

I am an emotional person. I dwell on things, and let them linger and really bother me. Writing is a nice outlet for me, but it still does not resolve the fact that my feelings were hurt and I cant seem to let it go. What makes it difficult, is when I can be having a perfectly happy day, and one little comment of conversation puts a HUGE damper on everything. I can’t pretend to brush it off and smile all the time.

It is time for me to be honest with myself.

In 2012, I sought treatment for my struggles after I hit “rock bottom”. This time around, I refuse to let myself get there. Yes, I have been through a lot of life changes over the past several months, but that does not give me good reason to stop taking care of myself.

I have so much to be thankful for…. I have a new home, an amazing boyfriend (who I see a beautiful future with), a loving family, wonderful friends, strong faith, etc. etc. I feel like these blessings have been hindered by some of the hardships that I have been facing.

I am happy with my life. Yes, I may have slipped, but things have settled down and I have been making a conscious effort to enjoy each and every day.

CURRENT SITUATION:
In all honesty, I do not have the same thoughts and struggles towards food that I have had in the past. Yes, I maintain a healthy diet, but I am not afraid to splurge and treat myself once in awhile when the opportunity presents itself. I still have some hesitation when it comes to random snacking (which is crazy, because everyone should allow themselves the opportunity to enjoy a good snack).

I think now, the main thing that I worry about is exercise. I feel like I need to do something physical every day, and when I don’t exercise, I get somewhat anxious. I have been trying to spend less time going to the gym to lift weights, and more time enjoying yoga (Not go on off topic, but yoga has helped me so much throughout all of this…more on that topic later), walking my puppies to the park, or just enjoying a different hobby. What I want, is to find a healthy balance in my life. I would love to focus my time on yoga and meditation, and finding harmony between my mind and body.

Admitting a weakness is hard for me. But seeing the people I love and care about worry (about me), is even harder. I don’t like feeling vulnerable to this. Every single thing in my life is so wonderful, and it sickens me that I still have to think about this at times. I swore to myself a year ago that I would never go back to the place where I was in my past… I am not there, but I need to really work on keeping myself away (FAR AWAY) from there too.

I am going to reach out to find someone to talk to, outside of my family, friends and social circle. Having a neutral “third party” to vent/talk to has helped me in the past, and I have no doubt that it will help me again.

Let the journey to health and happiness continue…

You are where you are or ever will be is up to you. You are where you are today because that is where you have chosen to be. You are always free to choose your actions, or inactions, and your life today is the sum total of your choices, good and bad. If you want your future to be different, you have to make better choices.
—Brian Tracy

 

Focus, Focus, Refocus!

Let me just start by saying that the past several months have been crazy! Crazy busy, crazy fun and at times, crazy stressful (I can provide details in a different post)!

As exciting as the craziness of life can be, it also can cause some anxiety. When things are going at such a fast pace, and you put so much energy towards one thing, it is easy to lose focus on other important priorities…

I have found that distractions are an “easy in” for ED to try to creep back into your life. I would be lying if I said that there were a few times over the past couple weeks when I sensed ED trying to make an appearance in my life. I sensed an  attempt to get back to dictating my thoughts and controlling my actions.

It has been over a year and a half since I sought help for struggles. Prior to my recovery, I would have given in to the temptation to listen to the negative influences. I would have “thrown in the towel” and let ED take control. However today, that is no longer an option.

I wrote this journal entry last year, and have yet to post it on my blog. However I feel that it is appropriate for this topic:

Denial and Sickness: Uninvited Guest

One of the most difficult things to do when dealing with a struggle or hardship to admit that there is something wrong. So often, the distorted voice is convincing you that you are ok, that things are supposed to be the way they are… miserable, lonely, unhealthy, etc.

It does not matter how family, friends and other loved ones see you. You see yourself the way the sickness wants you to be seen, and there is nothing that anyone can do for you. Until you are ready to change.

I was sick for about five and half years. Numerous times over the course of my sickness, people would express concern. The thing that is difficult to comprehend, is why it is so hard to understand  their concerns? I was so used to listening to the unhealthy influence, that the opinions of the truly important people in my life did not matter. I was ok with the life I was living.

People know me as  smart, hard-working, honest, faithful, etc. I never lost those qualities throughout my struggles, however I also carried a few additional labels: skinny, isolated, sad.

Eating disorders can quickly brainwash you. I gave in to the temptation to let ED in, and accepted the additional labels that were associated with it. I have always been a very responsible and independent person- often said to be “mature beyond my years”. I have never been one to give in to peer pressure. I have strong values taught to me by my family. I respect those value and lived by them every day. Because I was not a follower, I still to this day cannot explain why I let ED in. Why would I let such a negative influence into my life? I didn’t just let ED in, it let IT control my life, for years.

Those are questions I ask myself quite often. I have a good head on my shoulders, and use sound judgment when making decisions. That’s the thing though, I didn’t know who I was really letting in.

One of the most important things I have learned over the course of my recovery journey… is to never be too proud or too afraid to ask for help. Tuesday I admitted to myself and my support team that I may have been a bit too “distracted” over the past couple months, unintentionally of course, and may have gone off course a little bit.

Being able to admit that I had a little “slip” is the first step. I have all of the resources I need to refocused and get back on track… I just need to sit back, analyze my situation and get back to work.

I am at such an exciting point in my life right now, the last thing I need is ED raining on my good times.

Let’s get to work!

setbackcomeback

P.S. I would like to clarify that my slip was VERY minor. It was more of a wakeup call to not disregard what I have been working so hard to obtain throughout recovery.

Yoga and Recovery.

“There are a lot of positives that come out of recovery. Once you reconnect with your body and your own thoughts, everything around you begins to feel right again.”

I have mentioned the significance of my amazing support team, throughout the ups and downs of my recovery. It goes without saying, that I would not be where I am today if it weren’t for them and their patience. As valuable as my team was to me, I strongly believe that my journey back to health was also strongly impacted by something in addition to them…

Initially, during weight restoration, I was very limited in regards to the amount of physical activity I was allowed to do –Which was very frustrating considering the fact that I am an active person who loves fitness and being on the go. *Disclaimer: one thing I did not give up was my morning walks with Riley. Those walks were therapeutic for me, and good for her!

About three months into a positive weight gaining trend, my dietitian and I began discussing ways to incorporate healthy activity back in to my life. As much as I would have loved to go for runs, or hit the gym a few times a week, it was important to start gradually, and then incorporate more activity as I continued to progress in my recovery. We both agreed that yoga would be a good place to start.

yogaStudies show that meditation and deep breathing (relaxation) can reduce stress and enhance wellness in people’s lives.

I quickly fell in love with the practice. Not only did it relax my chaotic thoughts, it also introduced a sense of awareness between my mind and my body. It gave me the opportunity to focus on my breathing and concentrate on the slow, structured movements of my body. Being present in the moment gave keen awareness to how I felt right then and there. Every time I would get on to the mat, I made sure that the time was dedicated to me, and only me.

Finding a [new] passion for practicing yoga introduced me to the importance of a strong mind/body relationship. It taught me the value of patience and persistence, and how most discomfort is temporary, if you do not give up.  After several months of practice, I noticed increased strength in my muscles and overall stamina. I also noticed that the poses I initially struggled with became easier.

Yoga has become part of my life. I continue to practice regularly, by attending classes and practicing at home. I plan to continue learning more about the practice, in hopes of some day being able to teach my own classes. I have found Yoga to be one of the best things I can do for my mind, my body and my overall well-being.

Namaste.

Finding My Faith

faith

Faith and religion have always been a part of my life.  I believe in God, the words in the Bible and the values of Christianity; I pray, I sin, I go  to church. However, for a long time I felt like I was just going through the motions.

Sure, I believed… but did I truly understand what it meant to have faith?

It wasn’t until recently that I began to grow in my faith and develop a real relationship with God.

“Never underestimate the power of prayer.”

People often resort to prayer in times of grievance, confusion and uncertainty. Personal struggles that I was faced with opened my eyes and my heart to the serenity that talking to God can bring.

I relied a lot on prayer to help me throughout my recovery and other hardships I was facing. I did not pray for my problems to go away… because praying and wishing for situations to just “disappear” would be impractical. Instead, I prayed for personal strength and courage to help overcome my struggles. I prayed for continued support and encouragement from my family and loved ones, who believed in me.

I figured that by praying for these things, I was in God’s hands. Ultimately, I would be a stronger person because of it.

I noticed that the more I prayed, the closer I felt to God. I felt a sense of security through times of uncertainty. Praying gave me hope for the future, and confidence that I was going to be ok. My strong relationship with God has not only helped me help myself, but has inspired me to be a better person to the world and others around me.

I pray several times a day. I pray for myself, for my loved ones, and anyone/everyone who needs faith and hope in their life…

to be continued…

Change

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

I live by these words. I pray these words every day.

I often find myself reflecting on the past several year of my life. If I had to pick one word to describe this time it would be “CHANGE”.

So much has changed for me over the past year…

The change from:

  • student to college graduate
  • studying for tests to working full time
  • being in love to having my heartbroken (twice)
  • distorted viewpoints to mental clarity
  • an illness to recovery
  • being afraid of being hurt to being able to trust again
  • limiting myself to having a passion for life
  • being close minded to being open to new opportunities
  • trusting someone new to falling in love with them

I could go on and on, the point I am trying to make, is that I am a changed person….a new person and I have never been happier in my life.

This was not an easy journey. These changes have tested my strength in so many ways. It has tested (and proved) the devotion of myself and my support team.

Like I have mentioned before, I am on Gods timeline. I was (for lack of better word) challenged by Him because He knew I was strong enough to overcome these challenges and make these changes. I believe He placed people into my life, to open my eyes and face reality- and He faded them out of my life because He knew I would stay true to myself and be stronger without them.

I have always been a woman on a mission. When I put my mind to something, I make it happen. I was, and still am committed, dedicated and passionate about the things that I love.

Change is a good thing.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • What has changed in your life over the past months, years?
  • Where these changes good, bad, uncomfortable?
  • Regardless of how these changes made you feel, how did you confront them?
  • How are you feeling with these changes now?