Let me just start by saying that the past several months have been crazy! Crazy busy, crazy fun and at times, crazy stressful (I can provide details in a different post)!
As exciting as the craziness of life can be, it also can cause some anxiety. When things are going at such a fast pace, and you put so much energy towards one thing, it is easy to lose focus on other important priorities…
I have found that distractions are an “easy in” for ED to try to creep back into your life. I would be lying if I said that there were a few times over the past couple weeks when I sensed ED trying to make an appearance in my life. I sensed an attempt to get back to dictating my thoughts and controlling my actions.
It has been over a year and a half since I sought help for struggles. Prior to my recovery, I would have given in to the temptation to listen to the negative influences. I would have “thrown in the towel” and let ED take control. However today, that is no longer an option.
I wrote this journal entry last year, and have yet to post it on my blog. However I feel that it is appropriate for this topic:
Denial and Sickness: Uninvited Guest
One of the most difficult things to do when dealing with a struggle or hardship to admit that there is something wrong. So often, the distorted voice is convincing you that you are ok, that things are supposed to be the way they are… miserable, lonely, unhealthy, etc.
It does not matter how family, friends and other loved ones see you. You see yourself the way the sickness wants you to be seen, and there is nothing that anyone can do for you. Until you are ready to change.
I was sick for about five and half years. Numerous times over the course of my sickness, people would express concern. The thing that is difficult to comprehend, is why it is so hard to understand their concerns? I was so used to listening to the unhealthy influence, that the opinions of the truly important people in my life did not matter. I was ok with the life I was living.
People know me as smart, hard-working, honest, faithful, etc. I never lost those qualities throughout my struggles, however I also carried a few additional labels: skinny, isolated, sad.
Eating disorders can quickly brainwash you. I gave in to the temptation to let ED in, and accepted the additional labels that were associated with it. I have always been a very responsible and independent person- often said to be “mature beyond my years”. I have never been one to give in to peer pressure. I have strong values taught to me by my family. I respect those value and lived by them every day. Because I was not a follower, I still to this day cannot explain why I let ED in. Why would I let such a negative influence into my life? I didn’t just let ED in, it let IT control my life, for years.
Those are questions I ask myself quite often. I have a good head on my shoulders, and use sound judgment when making decisions. That’s the thing though, I didn’t know who I was really letting in.
One of the most important things I have learned over the course of my recovery journey… is to never be too proud or too afraid to ask for help. Tuesday I admitted to myself and my support team that I may have been a bit too “distracted” over the past couple months, unintentionally of course, and may have gone off course a little bit.
Being able to admit that I had a little “slip” is the first step. I have all of the resources I need to refocused and get back on track… I just need to sit back, analyze my situation and get back to work.
I am at such an exciting point in my life right now, the last thing I need is ED raining on my good times.
Let’s get to work!
P.S. I would like to clarify that my slip was VERY minor. It was more of a wakeup call to not disregard what I have been working so hard to obtain throughout recovery.